I will update this page soon as this will be my Friday entry. This review will be different than my standard review as its very likely to be a single paragraph accompanying the view log I am witting as I watch this crappy.
So this will be updated soon.
Heres the view log so far.
*Kristen stewart takes otherwise intolerable dialogue and makes it listenable.
*This constant narration is so tedius and borring. SHOW. Don’t tell! Honestly a lot of this monologue other than the intro explaining who she is is pointless and even that part could have been reworked properly.
*Kristen Stewart often looks 24ish and completely out of place.
*This movie is just like the covenant, except that movie wasn’t successful. And blood and chocolate. Yeah, I’m comparing it to those glowing piles.
*The Kid playing Edward isn’t bad.
*the dialogue feels so stiff and stilted.
*This movie is the poster child for being emo.
*can we say continuity? In one seen she had obvious purple eye shadow and in the next(the same afternoon) it’s gone. Grrrr.
*Why is this movie so blue? I feel like I’m in an Eiffel 65 video.
*Now that I think about it, The dialogue sounds a lot like Bones on the TV show Bones, but there its intentionally played up that way because of Bones socially awkwardness. Here it comes across as odd.
*So far the plot of the movie can be summed up as, Girl moves to Forks. Girl stalks boy. Boy stalks girl.
*okay so the movie started with talk of homecoming but now there are is talk of Prom. SO CONFUSED.
* so this movie is set in forks, a really small town yet somehow they have this massively giant greenhouse. Say wha?
*wow, hanging a lantern on the inconsistencies of the character and we are barely half an hour into the movie, this isn’t going to go well.
*They just made comic book references. They get a point for that. 1.
*The vampire family don’t go to a specific beach?
*”What did they mean the Cullen’s don’t come here?” “You caught that?” yeah because you just said it!
*and now backstories on mildly suggestive of Werewolves….
*Ohhh creepy music and screaming. Oh she’s just playing on the beach....
**and then randomly a guy on a boat dies. While one of them looks like she has angel wings.
* Are vampires telepathic now? What the hey?
*Oh em gees a scene that wasn’t blue…and now they are blue again.
*Apparently my expert correspondent informs me just one vampire is telepathic.
* The explanations for things make less sense than the plot, or whatever semblance of a plot happens to be residing here.
*Oh god. She’s now researching vampire lore. Why did someone think this craptastic version of vampire lore needed to exist?
* Boy stalks girl. Girl stalks boy. Boy is weird and creepily possessive.
* Oh noes, I think it’s time for sparkle Motion.
*”It’s like diamonds” What? No it’s not. What the hell is this, a Gatorade commercial?
* Can we say jump cuts?
* Will these two just have sex and get it over with already?
* How did no one realize these kids were vampires?
*I want to know where in the world there are these hot girls that dig guys that just stare at them.
* And apparently their prom theme is james bond. Why couldn’t my prom have that as a prompt?
*Vegetarian vampire….
*The movie just made fun of Tofu. +1 more point.
* What the hell? Is it april already in this movie? It still looks like November.
*Why is everything so blue?
* Crazy vampire girl. Vampire family. Creepy vampire fans….
*And its now we learn that the boyfriend is in fact a nerd.
* What the hell is wrong with this guy? “I’m not afraid of you” “you shouldn’t have said that” and weee he grabs her and flies out the window. This all kind of absurd.
* So again the boy is stalking her, appearing in her room unexpectedly. Again why don’t they just have at it already? Oh hey they almost did. What the hell. What’s with all of the tilted shots? And now apparently they can’t have sex because he can’t “lose control”. This is getting worse and worse.
*Oh they are going to play baseball in the thunderstorm. Maybe they’ll use metal bats and holy crap they are playing muse. What does super massive black hole have to do with baseball?
* I will admit that this baseball sequence is very amusing, Its like Zach Snyder directed Major League baseball this is what you’d get. +2 points.
*this plot point is so random. One human being hunted? What the hell? Why?
*Okay and now one of the evil vamps supposedly changed sides.=
*What the hell? Did they just enter the desert? I just saw elements of the grand canyon and these odd rocky mountains, Where the hell are we supposed to be? Oh apparently you can drive from Forks to Phoenix in a single night…that seems plausible…
*Just how cheesy do all these characters get? It’s worse than slipping into the kraft factory.
*wow, so they actually did one interesting thing. They used a recording to trick Bella rather than actually kidnap somebody. Smart villains. For once.
* I still don’t get why they care about Bella. This seems like a hole ton of work for no real goal.
* So when did this become an action movie? Oh wow main character got bit by someone who isn’t her boyfriend, is that count as cheating?
*So shes convulsing like woah this suddenly got very erotic for sucking “venom” out.
*What? Did they just flashback to a bunch of moments that we’d seen and then some snow seen we’d never seen?
*Wait. She fell? How does that explain the bite marks?
*didn’t they go out of their way to say he didn’t sleep? Also where was Victoria in that entire fight?
*Apparently Bella developed turrets after the attack(sorry turret sufferers)
*Wow, suddenly Bella looks like a real girl.
*Oh look, it’s a character we havn’t seem for an hour. What the hell? Random thrown in plot line. Oh, FORESHADOWING.
*and as it turns out, this is the lamest prom ever.
*and and and…COP OUT.
*Oh god, that stupid narration is back.
* Can you say foreshadow?
*The credits are rolling but they aren’t done showing footage. Now it’s just flash backs in black and white. What the hell.
****During the sparkle scene I was originally going to make a sparkle motion reference but ultimately decided that Donnie Darko was too good for this movie to even be obscurely referenced.
In short, this movie wasn’t even designed for fans as fans hated it too. The movie is a mess, filled with bad dialogue and bad story. All of it culminates in a fight scene that’s pisspoor and then as the story decides its not done with you it keeps going. Not story. Miserable excuse for a story. Don’t even be kinda curious about this movie. Don’t do it. It’s really really bad. You’d be better off watching the, goddess help me, Buffy the Vampire slayer movie. This movie was on the level of Covenant and Blood and Chocolate.
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